Confessions of a Jedi in love
by htbookreader1
Summary: obi-wan/padme obiwans side of AOTC...how he watched anakin fall in love with padme...while he fell in love with her too...but the question is...who does she love? really bad summery but please read and review..ill trash it if its bad
1. Chapter 1

**Hi, this is my first star wars story...I will write more is theres feedback...this is like an introduction to the story...so it wont be a constant confession...we go into flashback time...sorry really stupid summery but i like this attempt...please read this and review this and enjoy this...i do not own star wars, or any of the characters mentioned in this story...only george lucus does**

Intro: Confessions of a Jedi

Yes, yes, you're right, he was my apprentice. I'll admit it; Anakin Skywalker was mine to teach, to meld, and to shape, into a Jedi. Some believed he would become the "chosen one."

You know, the one who would bring balance to the Force. What was that? Oh yes, of course, I know he did eventually bring down the Emperor, but that is not who he was for twenty some years.

You ask how could I let such a great potential Jedi fall into the dark side? I, Obi-wan, great Jedi Knight, how could I let my best friend turn into an evil villain?

Yes, I knew, of course I knew. He fell in love. It was as simple as that. Do any of you know what it is like to be in love? Or do you know what it is like to love someone you could and would never be with?

No, do not give me that look. I am a Jedi. I know the Jedi do not love, do not like, do not feel. We flow with the Force, that's what Master Yoda used to tell me. We go with the wind until we can control and master the wind. Well, that's how I look at it.

Anyway, we were discussing the subject of love. It is a feeling, an emotion, which twists and turns men's souls. The Jedi are scared of that. Well, wouldn't you be? You're trying to control the Force while going through these, "emotions."

How do I know? Do you really want to know how I know these things? I fell in love. I fell in deep, head over heels, love. So I know when my apprentice fell in love too. Oh of course I knew, he was my best friend. He could never keep anything from me; at least he couldn't keep something like this from me.

His feelings were exactly like mine. I…I couldn't reprimand him. His secret would have been shown to the entire world. Everyone would know. They'd make him leave the Jedi Order. She would have to leave her position in the Senate with shame. I could not let that happen, not to anyone, especially not to my best friend.

So I lied for him.

I kept my mouth shut and watched as he fell deeper and deeper into his love. And I had to watch her love him…and not me. For I loved her too, long before he had ever even heard of her. I met her the day she became queen of Naboo. Then I was simply a Padawan learner. I had fresh white robes, brown cloak, and one foolish sixteen-year-old boy who knew of nothing except what the Jedi had taught him.

I loved her from a distance while my master and I saved her planet. I worshiped her and adored her secretly. And the girl had no idea. Yes, I know, I hide my feelings away in my soul until they rot away and leave me feeling empty.

At last when the mission was over, and I took on my own Padawan I was resolved never to think of her again. She would no longer appear in my dreams to haunt me and taunt me. I would never think of her again with any sort of love. She was a being like every other being.

And after a time, I convinced myself that I felt nothing for her anymore. The years went on, and with a new apprentice to teach I was kept very busy. I did not think of her at all, that is until ten years later, when she walked back into my life again.

**Sooo...what do you think...should i keep it up or forget about it and delete it?? love to hear what you think**


	2. My Second First Encounter

**Okay...soo i am going to try to write this...please tell me what you think of this first chapter...its my first try...if you recognize any of the lines its because they are not mine they belong to the writers of star wars and i am not a writer of star wars...i do not own star wars either althought it would be pretty cool to own star wars wouldnt it?? read review and as always enjoy**

**My Second First Encounter**

He was tense. I hadn't seen him this anxious since we had settled the problem in the Outer Rim. A smile crept to my face as I watched my young Padawan sweat.

"Relax," I breathed. I expected to see the tension, anxiety, and sweat disappear from his face but all he could do was look at his feet.

"I haven't seen her in ten years Master," he explained breathlessly. Ah, so that was it. Her again. For the past ten years that I had trained him, I often could feel his thoughts lingering on her. His eyes would cloud over and a melancholy expression would cover his face.

I'd have imagined that he'd be pleased to see her again. But this 19-year-old man that stood next to me on the elevator was acting like a lovesick youngling. And I laughed to see the angst on his face.

My laughter managed to bring a smile to his sulky face and I could feel his tension evaporating away. Yes, this meeting with the Senator would go smoothly. Of course the circumstances concerning the meeting were anything but smooth. An attempt on her life was nothing to laugh about.

It made me uneasy to think of her in that situation. And as my Padawan smiled away, my thoughts returned me to that feeling of unease. But, with the help of the Force, I was able to push away those feelings as the elevator opened up. After all I wouldn't be Obi-wan Kenobi, if I couldn't unwrap myself from the tangled feelings of my mind.

The first face we saw upon entering was that of Jar Jar Binks. A Gungan who previously lived on the planet Naboo but now resided in Corscant. When we arrived his face lit up and he grabbed my hand.

"Obi," he cried in his broken English, "obi mesa so smilen to seeing yousa!" I smiled broadly as did my Padawan. We both greeted the happy Gungan. Then he called out, "Senator Padme, lookie lookie Senator disa Jedi arriving." And then Padme entered the room.

At the age of fourteen she was Queen of her planet, and now she represented her planet as a Senator. I was happy to see her face. It held a pale yet beautiful glow, and I could feel her energy flowing around us in the Force. So, it seems, did my young Padawan, Anakin. I could feel his tension increasing and his entire body seemed to vibrate.

Padme greeted me warmly. She shook my hand.

"It has been far too long Master Kenobi." Then she turned to Anakin with surprise. "Ani?" she gasped. "My goodness you've grown."

"So have you," gulped Anakin. "Grown more beautiful I mean." Then he saw our faces. "For a senator I mean," he foolishly corrected. Pain at acting the fool was written all across his face but he seemed to push it aside as Padme led us to sit down.

She sat across from us. Now it seemed we'd discuss the business at hand. Anakin and I had reviewed what this meeting would entail. We'd protect Padme, nothing more. But Anakin had other things on his mind, and I soon found out, so did Padme.

"I want to know who's trying to kill me," she said simply.

I saw clear crisp pain shooting from her eyes. They were filled with memories of that fateful day. Her simple request was a scream in the Force. Her wish was so strong that even I, the calm Jedi, wanted to help her. But years of training made me stop in my tracks. It was not part of our mission, I reminded myself. Stick to the orders at hand. Anakin was not as lucky.

"We will find out who's trying to kill you Padme," he assured the anguished senator, "I promise you."

There was silence as I turned to my apprentice. Had he learned nothing from our exercises and constant training?

"We will do exactly as the Council instructs us," I corrected him.

"Why?" he asked simply. I stared. What did he mean, why? The Jedi Council gave us a mandate and we'd stick to it. He seemed to notice that everyone in the room was fixed on his response. "Why else would we be on this mission if not to find the killer? Protection is a job for the local police not Jedi," he reasoned.

Anakin Skywalker.

The Chosen One.

He picked battles on thin ice. Well he wasn't about to win this battle. Especially not when it threatened the integrity of the very Council that represented who we were.

"We will not go against our mandate," I said forcefully to Anakin. "And you will learn your place young one." Slowly Anakin's rage left the room.

Padme helpfully added, "Perhaps just by your presence here, the mystery will become clearer." She stood up and we arose as well. "Now if you'll excuse me," continued the diplomatic senator, "I'll retire now." She and her attendants left the room. I watched her walk away.

I still felt her lingering presence in the room. It was all around Anakin. He was in the corner talking to Jar Jar. "I've thought about her every day since we parted," he was explaining to Jar Jar. "And she hasn't thought of me at all."

"She's happy," Jar Jar said oblivious to Anakin's true emotions. "Happier than mesa seeing her in a long time."

I nodded. "Don't concentrate on the negative Anakin," I said soothingly. "She was glad to see us." Anakin nodded. His feelings about the Senator had turned away from a mere youngling crush. And I worried for him.

_Maybe they're just harmless. He's nineteen after all. But he should have learned to let those kinds of feelings pass over and through him. Holding on to them is not the Jedi way. Anakin was not really the Jedi way either. I don't know. _

Later that night we had to stand guard over Padme's room. I watched Anakin pace back and forth. He looked pale and thin in the light. "Are you feeling all right?" I asked.

"I don't sleep well anymore," Anakin muttered.

"Is it because of your mother?" I asked. Anakin had had nightmares of his mother in pain for the past couple of weeks. I tried to tell him that his dreams didn't mean anything, but now I was beginning to wonder if there was some kind of truth in his dreams.

He nodded. "I'd much rather dream about Padme," he confided. "Just being around her again is intoxicating." _I know what you mean. Wait a minute, stop thinking like that Obi-wan, you're a Jedi Knight, and you're better than this. This is nothing. You just find her as merely…pretty. _

"Be mindful of your thoughts," I urged him. "You've made a commitment to the Jedi order. A commitment not easily broken." But these words, this mantra, were not solely for my apprentice, but also for his master.

"I'm sorry Master," Anakin moaned. "But I can't make these feelings go away." What was I to say? I had no advice to give to this youth.

"Think of the negative aspects of her," I suggested sitting down. Anakin paced around the room wordlessly and then struck the wall.

"I can't!" he moaned. "She's too perfect in every way."  
I stood up now. "But she's a politician and they're not to be trusted."

Anakin rolled his eyes. "There you go again with the evil politician bit," he groaned. "They're not all bad. Padme only has good intentions for the Senate. And then there's the Chancellor."

"Oh," I cried, "here we go again with the Chancellor. He's not to be trusted. I've seen that he's an expert at making people do what he wants."

Anakin shrugged. "So he's persuasive in politics. That's a good thing right?" I was about to retort when I felt something very wrong coming from the next room.

Padme!

I said nothing as I raced into Padme's room. Anakin was right next to me.

We reached Padme just in time. Two poisonous bugs were about to kill the sleeping figure of Padme. But Anakin took out his blue lightsaber and swiftly cut the two predators to bits.

His blade awoke Padme who stared at the two of us in confusion. I was about to explain what happened but then I saw a droid outside Padme's window. It had brought in the bugs. It had almost killed Padme! And it was about to get away with its crime.

_Not if I can help it!_

Without thinking about anything, without thinking of consequences or regrets I jumped out the glass window and grabbed at the droid.

My only thoughts as my body met the glass window were of Padme. Padme's beautiful sleeping form and those sinister little insects that had tried to kill her. But once I held onto the droid my thoughts turn to the city hundreds of feet below the dorid and myself. _Don't fall Obi, don't you dare let go!_ The voice of my old master rang out these words of help to me as I gripped the droid tightly.

The dorid and I flew across the traffic of Corscant. This was not the way I'd like to see the city. Jedis don't tend to hate things as a rule. But if I had been the allowed the emotion of hatred, I'd have hated flying. I belonged on the ground. There I could feel the solid earth beneath my feet.

Eventually as the droid and I continued flying I saw a huminod try to shoot at me. But then he missed me but with a second shot hit the dorid. And as the dorid succumbed to the pull of gravity with one great fall, I extended my arms and legs and fell with ease. I managed to glide towards the ship that Anakin was flying. Another great rescue for my apprentice.

Of course we managed to find the human who sent the dorid, who sent the insects. However he turned out to be a she, and she turned out to be a changling. And before we could question her carefully someone in a suit of armor with jet pack, shot her with a dart. As my master used to say, "There's always a bigger fish."

Later that night we returned to Padme's quarters to give her the news. She was sitting in her living room waiting for our return. A smile spread across her face when she saw that we both had returned alive. And it seemed that an unconscious smile spread across my face to see her with such happiness. _What are you doing Obi? Snap out of it! _

Anakin told Padme of our adventure with the excitement of a youngling who had completed his first mission. Padme nodded approvingly but her eyes turned to me. I turned away from her gaze and kept silent.

Once Anakin had finished his tale I spoke for the first time. "We will tell of our findings to the Jedi Council. They'll review the information and discuss how to proceed from there."

Padme cocked her head to one side and raised her eyebrow. "Can't I decide what I want to do as a result of these occurrences? It was, after all, an attempt on _my_ life."

"We must do what is instructed of us," I replied. _We must do what is instructed of us. _This mantra danced through my head constantly. _Don't go outside the mandate. Do what the Council says._ I had been trained to follow these sayings and uphold them.

But the eager young Padawan who yearned to please the senator often forgot the wise words of the Council. _He's young. He doesn't really know any better. _But then I thought _Maybe you view his behavior as foolishness because you don't want to admit he's braver at standing up for what he wants than you are. _

We left Padme's quarters after she dismissed us. "She's really beautiful," murmured Anakin as we walked to our own rooms.

"Don't dwell on these thoughts," I urged him. "Jedi are not allowed to love."

Anakin stopped walking and turned to me. "Why not?"

"If we allow ourselves to be consumed by love," I explained to the agitated young man, "then the love will turn to jealously. Jealously becomes anger. And then we are so filled with dark emotions that we ourselves become dark and evil."

Anakin shook his head. "Forgive me master," he apologized. "It's all right Anakin," I assured him. I was about to walk to my own quarters when Anakin spoke again. "Haven't you ever felt those kind of feelings? When you were a young Padawan did you ever think about a woman?"

When you are given a Padawan to train, you make yourself a promise: to let them the same kind of experience that you had. You want their hearts to leap the first time they grip the hilt of a light saber. You watch the smiles as they succeed you in ways you could never imagine. But there are some things, secret things; you do not share with them.

So I did not tell my best friend that I loved the same woman that he loved. Instead I said, "No. I did not seem many women as a young Padawan, and over time I just sort of grew out of them."

But as I fed him the lie that I tried to feed myself, I kept thinking about her. I realized that I did love her and there wasn't much I could do to stop loving her.


End file.
